Looking Back Over my Shoulder….

I have landed here…In a space lucky enough to call this island home.  “The rock” was supposed to be a temporary resting place for me to heal my wounds and now I call it a permanent residence where I will grow.  Over the past year, I have made some incredible lifelong friends and created some new traditions.  I have experienced life as it should be, contemplative and slow…Living each moment for exactly that….the present.  I have learned myself and grown immensely in the emotional world and become addicted to outdoor activities that keep me physically strong and mentally happy.  I found myself questioning a few months ago, “If I CAN live here, why WOULDN’T I?”  Kind of a stupid question when “here” is a beautiful paradise filled with amazing people and constant sunshine, right?

At present, I’m back in Ohio, revisiting my roots and creating new memories with my original family.  In a few weeks’ time, I will return to my beloved Colorado to say farewell…To rid my life of many of the material things stowed in boxes in dear friends’ basements, to get rid of my Subaru which I love so much, to come together with the people and the places and the music that I will continue to love and hold close to my heart in years to come.  I will then turn my vacation to the West Coast, visiting Seattle, Portland, Oakland and Fresno, reuniting with friends and family along the way.  I will eat a lot of amazing food and do A LOT of much needed shopping, camp, hike, festivate, kayak, swim, run, bike…and marvel at the “real world,” the only world I knew for so long before St. John.

As excited as I am about the months to come, I must write now about how I was feeling in my weeks leading up to leaving island for over two months.  Two months.  I had only been there for a little under nine months.  Those months and those moments seemed to dwindle precariously into each Caribbean sunset, taking with them the memories of endless snorkels, volleyball games, day drinking marathons and the “responsible adult day” activities of checking mail at Connections, depositing checks at First Bank and going to the market.

These precious moments, filled with new faces coming and going through the revolving door of the Cruz Bay ferry dock, will never be recreated, nor will I try to do so.  Because you see, St. John is ALWAYS changing…and more apparently than most places in this world.  You can WATCH the plants grow…Life is ever blooming here on island.  When you fill your lungs with a deep breath and plunge beneath the surface of the sea, you will NEVER feel the same current twice; never see the same oceanic sights along the reef or the sea grass covered floor as at that current moment in time.  Even the sand between your toes changes from day to day, moment to moment.  Some days, when setting up the volleyball net at Cinnamon, the sand will be like champagne powder, others, it will be hard and packed down.  Ever changing, ever growing, moment to moment, day to day.

I have left a lot of things in my life.  Not in order to run FROM something, but more because I’m addicted to new horizons.  I am “desirous of everything around me at the same time.”  I want to live, live, live…because we only get one shot, and what if I miss something because I wasn’t paying attention or I didn’t follow the signs the universe presented to me?  I try not to push things in my life, I believe one’s actions, and the actions of others in one’s life, directly affect the outcome of the individual’s path.  And, once that path becomes clear, it should be followed, no matter how scary or unsure it may be.  In my experiences, it is always worth it.  That being said (Sorry about the rant, I got a bit off course there.), I think that when you leave something, even for just a few months, change for the better or for the worse is inevitable.  I am always changing, growing, learning, evolving…that’s what we are supposed to be doing as humans.  Therefore, perception can change in a few moments’ time.  With a change in perception, comes a change of heart many times.  I left a boyfriend behind to move on to Colorado when I was 24.  When I arrived in the Rocky Mountain State, I realized I didn’t want to be with him anymore.  Getting outside of that bubble allowed me to focus on what was really going on in the world and changed my perception…Therefore, putting me in a COMPLETELY different space than I had been just weeks earlier.

In my final weeks on St. John, I began to reassess this and several other similar situations.  I had called Colorado my home until I arrived on St. John and was immediately drawn into the Island therefore, the rock is home now.  Perception; changed.  I had come to love St. John so much over my first nine months there that I feared I would lose that when I got back to the states.  That when I hit Colorado again my perception would revert to the original notion of the Rockies being my home.  So, I became a little scared, nervous, anxious…Given the option of calling me one of these things, my closest friends would choose; D) None of the Above.

Then, about a week before I was taking off for my travels, I was walking down centerline road, heading to work on just another pristine St. John day.  I looked up at the Caribbean Sea and realized something.  I may never even make it back to the states, if I do, I might not make it back to the island.  If I do make it back to the island, I might not make it another six months.  Everything could end tomorrow.  Now, I know this is all kind of morbid, but have you ever had a moment of clarity like that?  Of TRULY being in the present and being okay with it?  Of being OKAY with the fact that this could be your last moment or your last day?  I did have that moment that beautifully warm and sunny day and it felt great.  At 32, I feel like I have done what I needed to do, said what I needed to say and been where I needed to be and the rest is all bonus time.  Time to dedicate to being the best I can be for right now, and not for some future moment that may never happen.

Living on St. John helped me to realize all of these things, because I have the time to contemplate.  Shedding the daily commute, the rat race of life, “keeping up with the Jones’’” has given me the time to dedicate to truly getting to know other people and myself for who we are; not what we were or what we will become.  This applies, not only to those living on island, but to those I left in the states as well.  I have spent more time on the phone with my mother, father and sisters in the last year than I have in many years combined.  I actually use WRITTEN correspondence. Yes, like letters and cards.  I have been able to be a strong and objective opinion for my friends back in Colorado.  I was ready to go to my other homes.  I had realized, changed or not, the rock will always be just that.  At its core, it will remain unchanged, just like me, at my core.  I will remain unchanged as well.

Having made these realizations, I decided to live it up during my last week on island.  Never mind the money saving mode I should have been in (It all worked out anyways, like it does.), I went on a BVI boat trip with two chartered boats filled with service industry employees (Always a doosey, but that is a story for later.).  A group of 15 of us privately chartered the Kekoa for a sunset sail.  I went snorkeling almost every day, except for two days filled with beach volleyball.  I went out late and woke up early.  I spent time with friends; spending days on the beach and evenings grilling and dining.  In a nutshell, I lived those last days as if they were the only days, and they tasted so good.

Now, in the states, I miss it every day.  I can’t wait to return.  I will spend some time in the coming months writing about my first nine months on the rock.  I know this was a little deep, but I needed to lay out my new found mentality in order for my up and coming tales to ring true.  Stay tuned for more light hearted tales from my new life…